Life is not a dress rehearsal

There's that saying. It's a quick nod to the ticking clock and the belief that there is a time for everything. I mention it because I was being bound by so many different things. Expectations...

I think expectations are great. However, when you lead with the expectations in front you, I think you need to make sure that 1) they are not blocking your vision of where you are going and 2) they are *your* expectations.

I definitely been suffering from the 1st issue. I want to be married... no, let me correct that without a delete-edit. I want to be with someone who I can share my life openly with. I want to laugh and navigate my way through life and its possibilities together. All the while, working toward common life goals (not necessarily the same ones) but growing together emotionally and physically. It was an odd consideration for me to add the "and physically" in the previous sentence. I guess that I'm admitting that, while I exist for the emotion, I really do enjoy sharing, being, having, loving... the person I am with in a physical way. Eh, call me a hedonist.

As I am going through it myself, I can see how easily couples can get caught up in working towards a goal (say, having children and buying a home) and suddenly find themselves walking on the treadmill-of-society without emotional connection. As of late last year, I started questioning 'why am I trying to mend this?' and 'how do I truly feel about my life?'. It was poignantly highlighted when I went to dinner with my dear friend and his wife. In a lull in the conversation, after we'd caught up on virtually everything else, he gingerly asked "Can I ask you something?"

He and I share a lot of qualities and tend to examine things to a respectable emotional and truthful depth. Even before he had asked his heartfelt question, I knew the look in his eyes and knew what he was going to ask me because if I were in his position I would be asking the same thing. "Why are you still trying?"... at least I think that's what he asked because for a moment, my mind and heart sorta blanked out on me in a collage of feelings/images. So, the short answer is "I don't know." The long answer is a twisted mess of emotional threads... individual actions, regrets, honest feelings, lifelong dreams and expectations.

Whenever I get into too much of a bind, I end up thinking of those childhood Buddhist lessons. You know the ones... "the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path". I like reflecting on them, though I am hesitant to call myself Buddhist (a tale for another day). Anyway, ever since I was asked that question, I've been thinking about the 'why'. I found myself reeling a little for the next few day as I tried to fit the question into any of my past experiences for a clue as to an answer. That didn't work, so I started flipping through knowledge of philispophy, religion, and spiritual understanding. Of course, you know where this led... nowhere. something I used to say popped into my head one night while I was sleeping... "You can't smooth water with your hand." I used to say that to myself when I was younger. I think it was the answer for now. I just need to stop trying so hard to figure things out and follow instincts.

The second thing (making sure they are *your* expectations) is more difficult. I have a friend who seems to be learning how to recognize their authentic self. Among those lessons are separating out the different threads from family and societal influences. I found it fascinating from the standpoint of asking oneself "what do I want?"

And the answer to that is just as ambiguous as my last question. I don't know. However, I do know this. I am going to start making a list of how I want my life to be and take whatever steps I need to do to get there.

After months and months, I finally feel alive again. And that life is not just defined by my sadness or ills. I feel hopeful and have started to have good, peaceful dreams again.

I am alive.