Last year, I gained a bit of weight due to being a lazy sloth and eating a lot.
I've been working out regularly and watching my intake. I've felt better but not that feeling of "wow, I really am changing myself for the better." Not until today.
I only got about 6 hours of sleep because I stayed up late to clean and tidy up the house. I ended up also spending about 2 hours at the gym. I'd been doing planks (holding my body aloft in a straight position) and a lot of squats. Last two sessions, I added a session of nautilus stairmaster. It's a goofy machine and looks like a tiny escalator... a tiny, infinite stairway. I walk 2 miles of stairs in 30 minutes at a moderate pace.
This morning I woke up with a slightly energetic feeling (endorphins?). My body really needs some rest but I have feel good and... wow... I can feel body changing. I'll just say it. My spare tire is going away. My face is more defined. My legs and core are solid.
I feel good.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Hmmm... am I supposed to howl... or hunt for a sorcerer....?
Tonight there was a lunar eclipse. The local news mentioned it but I admit to barely paying attention.
By chance, a friend called and invited me to take a look at his new mountain bike. As I stepped out the door, around 8pm, I expected it to be bright with moonlight as it has been the last few nights. Instead, there was a sickly dim light and the moon looked red with a spot of normal whiteness. Oh yeah, the eclipse... neat!
It's a tad blurry... but what do you expect when standing 236,000 miles away (give or take ~15,000 miles). Actually, I think I did a pretty good job at snapping the photo since I was holding the camera by hand.
About an hour later, all was normal. I was commenting to a friend that in the olden days, this event might have spawned some sort of superstitious act. For a moment, I imagined myself hunting down any suspected witches to fix this. Or perhaps sacrificed something or someone precious to appease the moon deity. Or, my favorite, take this as a sign from Mars (the old god with the spear, bad attitude, etc.) and suited up for some sort of conquest.
Ah, well... since most of those things are kinda frowned upon, I'll just settle for howling softly at the moon and trying to get the dog to copy me.
Ow-ow-awoooooooooooo.........
By chance, a friend called and invited me to take a look at his new mountain bike. As I stepped out the door, around 8pm, I expected it to be bright with moonlight as it has been the last few nights. Instead, there was a sickly dim light and the moon looked red with a spot of normal whiteness. Oh yeah, the eclipse... neat!
It's a tad blurry... but what do you expect when standing 236,000 miles away (give or take ~15,000 miles). Actually, I think I did a pretty good job at snapping the photo since I was holding the camera by hand.
About an hour later, all was normal. I was commenting to a friend that in the olden days, this event might have spawned some sort of superstitious act. For a moment, I imagined myself hunting down any suspected witches to fix this. Or perhaps sacrificed something or someone precious to appease the moon deity. Or, my favorite, take this as a sign from Mars (the old god with the spear, bad attitude, etc.) and suited up for some sort of conquest.Ah, well... since most of those things are kinda frowned upon, I'll just settle for howling softly at the moon and trying to get the dog to copy me.
Ow-ow-awoooooooooooo.........
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Ah... The lazy photographer...
I finally downloaded the camera from my holiday trip down to California. I guess it took me so long because I couldn't find the special cord for the Kodak camera to download the photos. Let's hear it for Kodak... because there weren't enough connector formats in the world. What we needed was another USB-like cable with a special Kodak-only connector. Good job.
Okay, sarcasm aside... I really enjoyed taking these photos because I had made it a point to go to certain locations. For fun, I've made a decision to go to places that remind me of good things. Take a photo... then toss it into my travel folder for my screensaver and to reminisce.
Here are a few pics...
Venice Pier. Looking north.
Venice Pier. Looking south.
Home.
In LA, when you want chili cheese fries, any time of the night, you go to Tomy's...
Okay, sarcasm aside... I really enjoyed taking these photos because I had made it a point to go to certain locations. For fun, I've made a decision to go to places that remind me of good things. Take a photo... then toss it into my travel folder for my screensaver and to reminisce.
Here are a few pics...
Venice Pier. Looking north.
Venice Pier. Looking south.
Home.
In LA, when you want chili cheese fries, any time of the night, you go to Tomy's...Hmmm....
Beautiful day today as I waited in Bellevue for an appointment. Clouds....
A vulture sticking its head out... and a unicorn gopher.
A vulture sticking its head out... and a unicorn gopher.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The 25th Mile
Today, I finally got on the bike again. I'd done very little biking in the last year. I joined the local gym after hitting my 'distant' gym for the last 2 months. I got sick of driving 50 minutes each way to go to the 'distant' gym. The local gym is only 15 minutes away.
Anyway, I've been hitting it every other day and finally decided to do a real world session. I posted a thread on the town forum and tried to invite anyone to join me. I also invited a friend. As it turns out, even a sunny day in the winter here won't entice most people to get out onto their bikes.
I started from Wilmont Gateway Park in Woodinville and rode down to Redmond (~7.5 miles each way). It was a little chilly and misty as I started at 10am. It took about an hour to there and back along the Sammamish River Trail. I was pleasantly surprised that I felt really good. So good, in fact, that I decided to tack on a few miles northwards. I headed north and then west eventually hitting the Burke Gilman Trail to Kenmore (~5 miles each way).
All and all, it was 25.5 miles of flicking the bike around. I pretty much pounded out the miles and tried to maintain a smooth cadence. I found myself waning around mile 20 and then again at 23. I could tell my legs were getting tired.... but my spirit was strong.
At the 24th mile, I was really losing steam and had shifted into la-dee-da mode (a.k.a. fun pace). I was enjoying the sun as it broke through the clouds and tried popping little bunny hops as I hit the root-raised pavement here and there. It was great to be on the old mountain bike again even if I was not really on a singletrack.
At mile 25, I could see the familiar landmarks and knew I had only a few hundred pedal strokes left. I kicked it up a few gears and punched it. I wanted to end with a sprint. I dropped downslope closer to the slough and weaved under the 405/522 interchange. When you get into a groove, it's like flying close to the ground. It's a real pleasure to have a quiet bike where all I hear is a little grippy growl of rubber clutching the asphalt. My lungs were not hurting (thank you, eliptical trainer). My legs were a bit rubbery (damn, all that training hasn't hardened me up yet). I made it to the park and just coasted amid the families.
The first 25 miles of the year... alone in the cool sun... a big smile on my face... and a hunger for more.
Anyway, I've been hitting it every other day and finally decided to do a real world session. I posted a thread on the town forum and tried to invite anyone to join me. I also invited a friend. As it turns out, even a sunny day in the winter here won't entice most people to get out onto their bikes.
I started from Wilmont Gateway Park in Woodinville and rode down to Redmond (~7.5 miles each way). It was a little chilly and misty as I started at 10am. It took about an hour to there and back along the Sammamish River Trail. I was pleasantly surprised that I felt really good. So good, in fact, that I decided to tack on a few miles northwards. I headed north and then west eventually hitting the Burke Gilman Trail to Kenmore (~5 miles each way).
All and all, it was 25.5 miles of flicking the bike around. I pretty much pounded out the miles and tried to maintain a smooth cadence. I found myself waning around mile 20 and then again at 23. I could tell my legs were getting tired.... but my spirit was strong.
At the 24th mile, I was really losing steam and had shifted into la-dee-da mode (a.k.a. fun pace). I was enjoying the sun as it broke through the clouds and tried popping little bunny hops as I hit the root-raised pavement here and there. It was great to be on the old mountain bike again even if I was not really on a singletrack.
At mile 25, I could see the familiar landmarks and knew I had only a few hundred pedal strokes left. I kicked it up a few gears and punched it. I wanted to end with a sprint. I dropped downslope closer to the slough and weaved under the 405/522 interchange. When you get into a groove, it's like flying close to the ground. It's a real pleasure to have a quiet bike where all I hear is a little grippy growl of rubber clutching the asphalt. My lungs were not hurting (thank you, eliptical trainer). My legs were a bit rubbery (damn, all that training hasn't hardened me up yet). I made it to the park and just coasted amid the families.
The first 25 miles of the year... alone in the cool sun... a big smile on my face... and a hunger for more.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Now, I just need a way to work it into a conversation....
So, I have a friend who was talking about another friend... who was using "Paco Loco" to address her hubbie. I had no idea what it was. We speculated... Japanese? Hawaiian? Spanish? I finally decided to go look it up online...
Paco Loco = Someone who will never meet anyone as pathetic as they are.
Funny and sad. And now I need to figure out how to work it into my day....
Paco Loco = Someone who will never meet anyone as pathetic as they are.
Funny and sad. And now I need to figure out how to work it into my day....
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day!
hmm.... hmm... hmm... la-la.... hmm... hmm.... hmm... ta-doo-doo-doo... hmm... hmm... hmm... (humming to myself so I don't have the discomfort of a quiet moment)... hmm... hmm... hmm...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Thankful to see my little guy....
I got to spend the weekend with my little boy Kona this past weekend. I hadn't seen him in 4 months. Well, I did see him for a few hours but he's always really hard to bond with in very short sessions like that.
When I picked him up, he was pretty upset. He was hesitant to let me touch him and hissed every time I got close to him. I had to quickly grab him and hold him away from me as he threatened to snap at me. When I put him in the car, he was upset and spent the ride to the Duvall house on the rear deck behind the backseat.
After we came home, I left him in the car for a bit. He was so agitated by the experience that he was growling in that guttural way that said "I am really angry and don't bother me." Message received. I checked on him in about 30 minutes and he was ready to climb onto my left shoulder (his favorite one) and hunkered close, while we went into the house.
The first night was a little disappointing but not totally unexpected. I had prepared a cardboard box for him and placed a comforter on the bottom with its edges coming up the walls. I topped the comforter with a polar fleece blanket and then draped his favorite blue polar fleece over the top of the box to make a covered nest for him. A nice little nest.
At first, he ran around the house to smell and look at all the old haunts. The window in the guest bedroom with the view to the front yard. The edge of the box spring standing on its side in the smaller guest room near the window by the back door. The window by the master bathtub with the view of the sky. His old scratching post lovingly still in the same place by the heat vent. It was a bit of a rub that he wouldn't come to the master bed where I was sleeping. However, it was nice when I noticed that he was settling in the nesting box.
The next day, Kona spent his time sleeping and watching the goings on from the box. I could see his little orange nose poking out as he watched me go about my day. I could see him cleaning himself. He seemed fine but he still hissed at me except during breakfast and dinner. I went to bed that night after tucking him in and wishing him a good night.
On the second morning, I felt a little pad and pat on my chest. I woke up with a smile and found him standing on my chest, all four feet. He stood there looking at me and seemingly wanted to nudge me in the face. Ah... the old hint... I pulled my comforter down and Kona promptly placed his head on my shoulder and nestled on my chest. With the comforter pulled back over him, it was like holding a different boy altogether than that angry little cat from the day before. He purred me to sleep and we spent the next few days bonking heads in greeting and talking to each other with humming/purring.
I drove him back yesterday and I went to bed last night with a little space in my bed. Taiga seems a little sad too as she doesn't have anyone to check on. I really miss him and hope he's well.
When I picked him up, he was pretty upset. He was hesitant to let me touch him and hissed every time I got close to him. I had to quickly grab him and hold him away from me as he threatened to snap at me. When I put him in the car, he was upset and spent the ride to the Duvall house on the rear deck behind the backseat.After we came home, I left him in the car for a bit. He was so agitated by the experience that he was growling in that guttural way that said "I am really angry and don't bother me." Message received. I checked on him in about 30 minutes and he was ready to climb onto my left shoulder (his favorite one) and hunkered close, while we went into the house.
The first night was a little disappointing but not totally unexpected. I had prepared a cardboard box for him and placed a comforter on the bottom with its edges coming up the walls. I topped the comforter with a polar fleece blanket and then draped his favorite blue polar fleece over the top of the box to make a covered nest for him. A nice little nest.
At first, he ran around the house to smell and look at all the old haunts. The window in the guest bedroom with the view to the front yard. The edge of the box spring standing on its side in the smaller guest room near the window by the back door. The window by the master bathtub with the view of the sky. His old scratching post lovingly still in the same place by the heat vent. It was a bit of a rub that he wouldn't come to the master bed where I was sleeping. However, it was nice when I noticed that he was settling in the nesting box.
The next day, Kona spent his time sleeping and watching the goings on from the box. I could see his little orange nose poking out as he watched me go about my day. I could see him cleaning himself. He seemed fine but he still hissed at me except during breakfast and dinner. I went to bed that night after tucking him in and wishing him a good night.
On the second morning, I felt a little pad and pat on my chest. I woke up with a smile and found him standing on my chest, all four feet. He stood there looking at me and seemingly wanted to nudge me in the face. Ah... the old hint... I pulled my comforter down and Kona promptly placed his head on my shoulder and nestled on my chest. With the comforter pulled back over him, it was like holding a different boy altogether than that angry little cat from the day before. He purred me to sleep and we spent the next few days bonking heads in greeting and talking to each other with humming/purring.
I drove him back yesterday and I went to bed last night with a little space in my bed. Taiga seems a little sad too as she doesn't have anyone to check on. I really miss him and hope he's well.
You scoff but you know you are curious...
So, check this out... it's the site for the Hello Kitty MMORPG. That's correct... a persistent Hello Kitty world for you to explore and play games.
You know you want to try it out...
You know you want to try it out...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I keep having these flashes...
of images...
- of me single and happy but a little lonely
- of me married and happy but a little pensive
- of me single and happy but a little lonely
- of me married and happy but a little pensive
Monday, February 11, 2008
A new drink is born.... The Black Sun
Mom sent up a bag of lemons and limes from her trees. I love tart citrus. I don't like buying it up here because it's not as fresh as the homegrown and it's quite expensive. I was going to give the lemons and limes away but I realized how invigorating the flavors were so I selfishly kept them.
I like lemon or lime in my cola. Lately I've been drinking Coke Zero. I used to be a diet coke guy but this new coke is pretty tasty and non-bitter.
I'm lazy. You know it. I know it. I was going to slice a wedge of lemon into my coke but let's face it... I would have left the remainder of the lemon to dry out and rot in the fridge. I'm not good about dealing with leftovers sometimes.
So, out of pure laziness, I squeezed the entire lemon into the glass. I got about a half cup and had to strain out the seeds. It's an older variety of lemon so it has seeds but is extremely lemony, juicy, and has a thin rind. In your face, supermarket lemons....
I then added 1 cup of coke zero. The concoction fizzed and had a fluffy tan head on top. It wasn't really going away. The foam looked almost root beer-ish but it wasn't as creamy (I could see pulp). I waited a moment while trying to imagine what this must taste like.... hmmm.... okay, it passed the mental common sense taste test... unlike my halibut in chocolate corn sauce (another tale).
Anyway, I took a sip.... zowee!!! wowzers!!! zingo!!! it was very tart and lemony. The cola flavor came next but it was light and bright. It didn't have that simple sweetness of normal cola. It was feathered with an active and tantalizing brightness, like the morning sun. I actually *felt* better after sipping it like a shot of energy. Okay, that had to be a fluke. Second sip, less of a sharpness but still very tasty... okay, there again, I felt good.
I am just finishing the drink and I need to name it. I call it the "Black Sun". It's my own invention out of the laziness that is me. So, go get a lemon, juice it, top it with some coke zero, and drink to laziness.
The Black Sun
I like lemon or lime in my cola. Lately I've been drinking Coke Zero. I used to be a diet coke guy but this new coke is pretty tasty and non-bitter.
I'm lazy. You know it. I know it. I was going to slice a wedge of lemon into my coke but let's face it... I would have left the remainder of the lemon to dry out and rot in the fridge. I'm not good about dealing with leftovers sometimes.
So, out of pure laziness, I squeezed the entire lemon into the glass. I got about a half cup and had to strain out the seeds. It's an older variety of lemon so it has seeds but is extremely lemony, juicy, and has a thin rind. In your face, supermarket lemons....
I then added 1 cup of coke zero. The concoction fizzed and had a fluffy tan head on top. It wasn't really going away. The foam looked almost root beer-ish but it wasn't as creamy (I could see pulp). I waited a moment while trying to imagine what this must taste like.... hmmm.... okay, it passed the mental common sense taste test... unlike my halibut in chocolate corn sauce (another tale).
Anyway, I took a sip.... zowee!!! wowzers!!! zingo!!! it was very tart and lemony. The cola flavor came next but it was light and bright. It didn't have that simple sweetness of normal cola. It was feathered with an active and tantalizing brightness, like the morning sun. I actually *felt* better after sipping it like a shot of energy. Okay, that had to be a fluke. Second sip, less of a sharpness but still very tasty... okay, there again, I felt good.
I am just finishing the drink and I need to name it. I call it the "Black Sun". It's my own invention out of the laziness that is me. So, go get a lemon, juice it, top it with some coke zero, and drink to laziness.
The Black Sun
- 1 whole lemon, juiced into a glass. Seeds removed.
- 1 cup Coke Zero
- Do not stir or shake.
- Toast to something good in your life, before drinking.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Those special moments....
I think I've mentioned how I like to watch clouds. Growing up in Los Angeles was fun but the clouds there are just 'meh'. The first time that I went to the San Francisco Bay Area on my own, I spent time near Point Bonita which is on the northern side of the Golden Gate Bridge overlooking the city. It's one of the most beautiful city-views in the world. I've spent evenings there looking at the city lights flicker... for hours at a time. I would love to go up there on afternoons after biking in Marin or running up the Dipsea Trail. I used to see clouds rolling in from the Far East shaped like boats, dragons, and all sorts of animals. I've spent 3 sunrises there in my memory... and each was so moving emotionally that I get wistful about my friends, life and the interesting things there.
When I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area, I found a new appreciation for things there. I worked near the eastside of the Dumbarton Bridge and just east of the Coyote Hills Regional Park. I'd spend after-work hours there trying to bike up the different hills and out around the levees (which I think is no longer allowed). I must've spent a few hundred hours there. A little known spot is around one of the south-most hills on the westside of the county gun range (rarely used). There is a steep grassy hillside with a few notches in the earth to nestle in by rock outcroppings. I'd finish the ride by climbing up to that hill and walking the bike around the side. Then just sit and watch the sun fade behind the peninsula as the wind whipped the grasses in water and wave-like patterns.
I would spend time thinking about my girlfriend and our future. I'd sit and watch the clouds drift in the from the west. Sometimes I could see the fog creeping over the top of Skyline and feel the vanguard winds cooling me down.
The SF Bay Area has some of the best clouds in the world, in my opinion. Unless it's the heart of summer (no clouds), there are all sorts of interesting things to see. That being said, I think the Seattle Area has some of the most interesting cloud shapes, when the sky actually isn't just gray. Today, it cleared slightly and the sun was backlighting some very high layers. They looked like smooth undulating ribbons of silver and silk. Some sections even looked like frosted glass. They were not noticeably moving and the sky just looked magical. I was driving and slapping myself for not having one of my two digital cameras with me.
As I got out to play with Taiga, the winds really kicked up and small fast-moving gray clouds were racing to the northeast. It looked like a stampede of little cars and fish. What a curious mixture of shapes. Even in the cold, I played with Taiga and watched the clouds. We finally stopped when I got tired and the sky had turned into the underside of a gray comforter (I see that way too much up here).
I had a good day today for no other reason than I saw a few shapely clouds. Good for me.
When I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area, I found a new appreciation for things there. I worked near the eastside of the Dumbarton Bridge and just east of the Coyote Hills Regional Park. I'd spend after-work hours there trying to bike up the different hills and out around the levees (which I think is no longer allowed). I must've spent a few hundred hours there. A little known spot is around one of the south-most hills on the westside of the county gun range (rarely used). There is a steep grassy hillside with a few notches in the earth to nestle in by rock outcroppings. I'd finish the ride by climbing up to that hill and walking the bike around the side. Then just sit and watch the sun fade behind the peninsula as the wind whipped the grasses in water and wave-like patterns.
I would spend time thinking about my girlfriend and our future. I'd sit and watch the clouds drift in the from the west. Sometimes I could see the fog creeping over the top of Skyline and feel the vanguard winds cooling me down.
The SF Bay Area has some of the best clouds in the world, in my opinion. Unless it's the heart of summer (no clouds), there are all sorts of interesting things to see. That being said, I think the Seattle Area has some of the most interesting cloud shapes, when the sky actually isn't just gray. Today, it cleared slightly and the sun was backlighting some very high layers. They looked like smooth undulating ribbons of silver and silk. Some sections even looked like frosted glass. They were not noticeably moving and the sky just looked magical. I was driving and slapping myself for not having one of my two digital cameras with me.
As I got out to play with Taiga, the winds really kicked up and small fast-moving gray clouds were racing to the northeast. It looked like a stampede of little cars and fish. What a curious mixture of shapes. Even in the cold, I played with Taiga and watched the clouds. We finally stopped when I got tired and the sky had turned into the underside of a gray comforter (I see that way too much up here).
I had a good day today for no other reason than I saw a few shapely clouds. Good for me.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Finding the Ending of the Loss....
A friend of mine mentioned the movie "Once" to me a short while ago. We were comparing daily stories, wondering what to eat for dinner, and I was probably whining about my life again. She's a patient friend.
In particular, there's a song that was really sticking in her mind. It's called "Falling Slowly". You can hear it and even download it for free at the movie's official site. I went, heard and really enjoyed it. I ended up getting the movie.
I am watching the movie now. Melancholy. Gritty. Enchanting. Romantic. Lost souls.... finding each other. How easily it is for me to fit myself into the story. There are moments of silence in the story that allow me to dip into my own experiences.... to compare myself to both main characters and their struggles. It's a good story about 'wanting but not having' various things in your life.
As I was watching the movie, my thoughts drifted something like this:
"Hmmm.... hmmm........ I see, I see.... hmmm....
How... I long to feel the ending of the loss. But what is that other thing in me? It's in me... It's in me... and dark but not scary. Not quite an emptiness, not a sadness. What is it? I... I... what is it? I sense it now that I can see my longing as the background.
I see it. It's mine. And I think I see how to free myself. There is peace with either of them. But only when I settle it in me. It's... my hope for the future. It's asleep but it's there and it's curiously unattached.... just there on its own. I can walk either path but I need to be in it altogether, body/mind/spirit."
So now, the question to myself is "Am I in this path with body/mind/spirit?"
At this moment............................... no...............................
"Falling Slowly" Lyrics - Glen Hansard
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You make it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
Faling slowly, sing your melody
I'll sing it loud
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along
In particular, there's a song that was really sticking in her mind. It's called "Falling Slowly". You can hear it and even download it for free at the movie's official site. I went, heard and really enjoyed it. I ended up getting the movie.
I am watching the movie now. Melancholy. Gritty. Enchanting. Romantic. Lost souls.... finding each other. How easily it is for me to fit myself into the story. There are moments of silence in the story that allow me to dip into my own experiences.... to compare myself to both main characters and their struggles. It's a good story about 'wanting but not having' various things in your life.
As I was watching the movie, my thoughts drifted something like this:
"Hmmm.... hmmm....
How... I long to feel the ending of the loss. But what is that other thing in me? It's in me... It's in me... and dark but not scary. Not quite an emptiness, not a sadness. What is it? I... I... what is it? I sense it now that I can see my longing as the background.
I see it. It's mine. And I think I see how to free myself. There is peace with either of them. But only when I settle it in me. It's... my hope for the future. It's asleep but it's there and it's curiously unattached.... just there on its own. I can walk either path but I need to be in it altogether, body/mind/spirit."
So now, the question to myself is "Am I in this path with body/mind/spirit?"
At this moment............................... no...............................
"Falling Slowly" Lyrics - Glen Hansard
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You make it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
Faling slowly, sing your melody
I'll sing it loud
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Never really read those stupid self-help articles.... until now...
So, I am out with my friends at a local wine bar in Woodinville, WA. As we're waiting they make a reservation with the restaurant for Valentine's Day. It's been a long time since I've been on the outside of a relationship.... 14 years, I think. I was okay and sorta not okay with hearing about V-Day.
Actually, I forgot it was right around the corner. Now don't get me wrong... I am totally happy for my friends. They have a lovely marriage and have worked hard to have it so.
I was pretty surprised at my reaction. It's one of those days that after all this time just didn't really mean much to me. We never really did anything special on the day or gave gifts. I would give even odds if we even acknowledged it to each other.
It's not the day, I realized. It took me a moment to remember. I can't believe that it was pushed out of my mind, when it was such an infamous milestone in my life for so long last year.
February 14, 2007 was the last time that she and I went to dinner together.... just to be with each other. She was super tired, barely spoke, and we didn't really laugh at all during the meal. Kinda sad in various ways. There are a lot of melancholy feelings but now that I seem to have turned the corner it is not affecting me as much. The pain of remembering seems to be distant and faded, so that's good.
Still, it's there and I... will be alone. Anyway, not that anyone is reading my blog but as I opened to my homepage, I saw this link (Ugh, It's Another Valentine's Day and I'm Still Single).
If you're going to be alone... have a read. If you are going to be alone and near me, call me so we can go out. I'll buy....
Actually, I forgot it was right around the corner. Now don't get me wrong... I am totally happy for my friends. They have a lovely marriage and have worked hard to have it so.
I was pretty surprised at my reaction. It's one of those days that after all this time just didn't really mean much to me. We never really did anything special on the day or gave gifts. I would give even odds if we even acknowledged it to each other.
It's not the day, I realized. It took me a moment to remember. I can't believe that it was pushed out of my mind, when it was such an infamous milestone in my life for so long last year.
February 14, 2007 was the last time that she and I went to dinner together.... just to be with each other. She was super tired, barely spoke, and we didn't really laugh at all during the meal. Kinda sad in various ways. There are a lot of melancholy feelings but now that I seem to have turned the corner it is not affecting me as much. The pain of remembering seems to be distant and faded, so that's good.
Still, it's there and I... will be alone. Anyway, not that anyone is reading my blog but as I opened to my homepage, I saw this link (Ugh, It's Another Valentine's Day and I'm Still Single).
If you're going to be alone... have a read. If you are going to be alone and near me, call me so we can go out. I'll buy....
Frustration is the myopic, selfish, burly monster standing in the corner.
Okay. I am trying to work out a problem with my friend and it's a very complicated problem that pervades every part of my reality.
I am frustrated and tired. She is frustrated and tired too.
Here's the latest. I was just talking to the mediator/counselor and she said something that totally blew me away. This is such a simple idea and statement that I need to keep it in mind.
I was trying to get my point across and the counselor responded with "Her biggest need right now is to be recognized for her efforts." Wow. Okay. Now, I think I am normally not a self-centered jackass but wow. So I re-read my emails and realize that I haven't recognized a single action or effort on her part. Way to go, genius.
So, now I am writing an apology and closing my eyes. I see in my mind a little burly beast sitting in the corner of my mind. It's playing cards with my Pride and another little git which I think is my Selfishness. They are all chuckling there in-between bets. It can't see me anymore but I can see it. It's my Frustration and I was temporarily blinded with my own needs so much that I didn't even consider her needs.
What have I become? Who am I now? What the hell?
I am sorry. I think we've all been angry and feeling a little righteous. It's a fine line though when righteous becomes hideous. I check my feet.... yep, I'm over the line. Okay.... time to 'fess up and apologize.
Now I recall, believing you will only receive the worst from someone only leads to frustration and distrust.
I am frustrated and tired. She is frustrated and tired too.
Here's the latest. I was just talking to the mediator/counselor and she said something that totally blew me away. This is such a simple idea and statement that I need to keep it in mind.
I was trying to get my point across and the counselor responded with "Her
So, now I am writing an apology and closing my eyes. I see in my mind a little burly beast sitting in the corner of my mind. It's playing cards with my Pride and another little git which I think is my Selfishness. They are all chuckling there in-between bets. It can't see me anymore but I can see it. It's my Frustration and I was temporarily blinded with my own needs so much that I didn't even consider her needs.
What have I become? Who am I now? What the hell?
I am sorry. I think we've all been angry and feeling a little righteous. It's a fine line though when righteous becomes hideous. I check my feet.... yep, I'm over the line. Okay.... time to 'fess up and apologize.
Now I recall, believing you will only receive the worst from someone only leads to frustration and distrust.
A Voice that Whispers in the Night
For a while, after.... after last April, I started thinking too much at night. My nightly routine was to stay up all night in a fermenting mood until sunrise. Of course, this led me to piece together little thoughts and poems.
This is not the original version but it's what I remember from a night last May... on my birthday, in fact, after I had puked my brains out from bad seafood in the middle of the day. The lunch was a special birthday gift to myself... BANG BANG!!! That was the sound of me shooting myself in the proverbial foot... er... gut.
Nothing like a good purge to leave someone on their back in the dark and thinking about their life. This poem came to me. I figured it was a gift from the universe, along with the food poisoning.
O' starry night,
the coldness,
the darkness,
the loneliness.
The wheel of life,
turning,
burning,
I am yearning for all to yield.
Fading breezes,
drifting silent,
Hidden terror,
waiting, watching, there.
My joy is rent and torn,
my hope is smothered and still,
my heart is dark and smooth.
I am Lostwind of the Mountain.
This is not the original version but it's what I remember from a night last May... on my birthday, in fact, after I had puked my brains out from bad seafood in the middle of the day. The lunch was a special birthday gift to myself... BANG BANG!!! That was the sound of me shooting myself in the proverbial foot... er... gut.
Nothing like a good purge to leave someone on their back in the dark and thinking about their life. This poem came to me. I figured it was a gift from the universe, along with the food poisoning.
O' starry night,
the coldness,
the darkness,
the loneliness.
The wheel of life,
turning,
burning,
I am yearning for all to yield.
Fading breezes,
drifting silent,
Hidden terror,
waiting, watching, there.
My joy is rent and torn,
my hope is smothered and still,
my heart is dark and smooth.
I am Lostwind of the Mountain.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Really? Well, it's a nice story even if it's just a dream.
Once in a while I get vivid, lifelike dreams. While it's not quite the same as real life, there is a texture and feel to them that makes me normally enjoy them very much even if the topic is dark or sad. I enjoy them because it's like living another moment in my life while sleeping. Unfortunately, most of the time, it takes me most of the time (in the dream) to manage my own confusion. You know, it would be like suddenly being in a room holding pillow and hammer and sensing there was something that you really needed to do. A little bewildering, don't you think?
I had a dream over the holidays about a topic that's a little raw for me in my waking life. It's been a recurring dream for the last few years.
Up until I was 29 years old, I didn't know what to think about children. I liked them. I was open to having them but didn't really feel the urge. I would see friends have kids and marveled at the little babies. They grow fast and seemed to be handfuls. Well, I just didn't feel the itch.
When I was 30 years old, something changed. I felt what I would describe as a basic urge to have a child. I was married. I had a good career, was on the verge of buying a home, and seemed to want for nothing. Neither of my parents had/has ever pressured me to have children so I was surprised how this feeling developed in that year of my life. I had not really seen myself with children by default. The only way that I had seen myself was in a marriage to the love of my life. Now, those of you who know me, know that I was married at this point and had been for two years. For some reason, I started having this dream sequence around that time and still have once in a while to this day.
Even if I don't have children, I want to put this dream to writing as I think it's a nice moment, imagined or otherwise.
I am on a beach and there's an onshore breeze. The sun is just above eye-level and there are a few thin clouds in the sky toward the horizon. The entire scene is tinted a little orange and peach from the late day sun and I take a deep breath. Clean, warm air. Dark blue waters. The surf is gentle as the swell-less sea laps onto the beach. The sand slopes a little from where I am standing to the soft surf.
I'm barefoot and the wind is kicking a little sand over my sunken feet. The sand doesn't sting but itches a little. Just as I am about to wrinkle my nose at the discomfort, the air stills. I can hear the cry of a gull far away.
It's a perfect day.
There's a melody in the air. It's a voice behind me and close to the ground. Hesitant, female, and amused. I am focused on.... the other melody though. An accompaniment or echo. It's inconsistent, soft, mumbled through a smile, and punctuated with glee.
As I turn I see her, in a white linen shirt over her beachwear, kneeling and cooing. Her hair is pulled back and she is bent forward while making friendly chatter with such a sincere smile. The light in her eyes flickers as starlight. Holding her arms out in a giving motion, there in-between the hands, is a standing wobbly child. Our child.
The child is only a toddler and young at that. I think it's a boy. And his face is full of joy as he balances on unsteady legs with feet sunken in the sand. He's strong... not just in his body but spirit. I see a light and aspect in his eyes, like I have never seen. I know he will offer happiness to all that know him. And I somehow know he will be kind. I am happy and at peace.
I'm entranced with the light. The light of the day, the light of our eyes. I can't stop staring at my son, except to glance in his mother's eyes. In them, I see the scrunched wrinkles of a smile as her loose hair flags in the breeze over her face. And I feel warm from the spirit outward.
It's a perfect moment.
I had a dream over the holidays about a topic that's a little raw for me in my waking life. It's been a recurring dream for the last few years.
Up until I was 29 years old, I didn't know what to think about children. I liked them. I was open to having them but didn't really feel the urge. I would see friends have kids and marveled at the little babies. They grow fast and seemed to be handfuls. Well, I just didn't feel the itch.
When I was 30 years old, something changed. I felt what I would describe as a basic urge to have a child. I was married. I had a good career, was on the verge of buying a home, and seemed to want for nothing. Neither of my parents had/has ever pressured me to have children so I was surprised how this feeling developed in that year of my life. I had not really seen myself with children by default. The only way that I had seen myself was in a marriage to the love of my life. Now, those of you who know me, know that I was married at this point and had been for two years. For some reason, I started having this dream sequence around that time and still have once in a while to this day.
Even if I don't have children, I want to put this dream to writing as I think it's a nice moment, imagined or otherwise.
____________________________________________________
I am on a beach and there's an onshore breeze. The sun is just above eye-level and there are a few thin clouds in the sky toward the horizon. The entire scene is tinted a little orange and peach from the late day sun and I take a deep breath. Clean, warm air. Dark blue waters. The surf is gentle as the swell-less sea laps onto the beach. The sand slopes a little from where I am standing to the soft surf.
I'm barefoot and the wind is kicking a little sand over my sunken feet. The sand doesn't sting but itches a little. Just as I am about to wrinkle my nose at the discomfort, the air stills. I can hear the cry of a gull far away.
It's a perfect day.
There's a melody in the air. It's a voice behind me and close to the ground. Hesitant, female, and amused. I am focused on.... the other melody though. An accompaniment or echo. It's inconsistent, soft, mumbled through a smile, and punctuated with glee.
As I turn I see her, in a white linen shirt over her beachwear, kneeling and cooing. Her hair is pulled back and she is bent forward while making friendly chatter with such a sincere smile. The light in her eyes flickers as starlight. Holding her arms out in a giving motion, there in-between the hands, is a standing wobbly child. Our child.
The child is only a toddler and young at that. I think it's a boy. And his face is full of joy as he balances on unsteady legs with feet sunken in the sand. He's strong... not just in his body but spirit. I see a light and aspect in his eyes, like I have never seen. I know he will offer happiness to all that know him. And I somehow know he will be kind. I am happy and at peace.
I'm entranced with the light. The light of the day, the light of our eyes. I can't stop staring at my son, except to glance in his mother's eyes. In them, I see the scrunched wrinkles of a smile as her loose hair flags in the breeze over her face. And I feel warm from the spirit outward.
It's a perfect moment.
A Song in my Self
Since I was a teen, I've often hummed out tunes and pieced together rhymes of nonsense. Sometimes I write them down, most are lost to the past. At the moment, I have this image welling up inside me. It has no form yet but there are a lot of images. I am unsure of what to do except try to write it down and maybe edit it over time as it clarifies in me.
tender heart,
silent, chilled, alone.
lost among swirling stars,
drifting, watching, straining to beat.
sundered, cloven, mending... mending
little voice, little child,
hiding from outsiders, ignoring the insiders.
sing song, sing with me,
over sunrise, on the water,
waking land in sleepy eye.
huddle close,
in morning wind.
open heart, fearful, longing, alone.
rise to nothing,
let go, give in, accept.
rest in silence, rest at peace.
meet the sky, touch the moon,
dance on starry steps.
hum and sing and whistle,
my heart,
to rest and sleep.
tender heart,
silent, chilled, alone.
lost among swirling stars,
drifting, watching, straining to beat.
sundered, cloven, mending... mending
little voice, little child,
hiding from outsiders, ignoring the insiders.
sing song, sing with me,
over sunrise, on the water,
waking land in sleepy eye.
huddle close,
in morning wind.
open heart, fearful, longing, alone.
rise to nothing,
let go, give in, accept.
rest in silence, rest at peace.
meet the sky, touch the moon,
dance on starry steps.
hum and sing and whistle,
my heart,
to rest and sleep.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Life is not a dress rehearsal
There's that saying. It's a quick nod to the ticking clock and the belief that there is a time for everything. I mention it because I was being bound by so many different things. Expectations...
I think expectations are great. However, when you lead with the expectations in front you, I think you need to make sure that 1) they are not blocking your vision of where you are going and 2) they are *your* expectations.
I definitely been suffering from the 1st issue. I want to be married... no, let me correct that without a delete-edit. I want to be with someone who I can share my life openly with. I want to laugh and navigate my way through life and its possibilities together. All the while, working toward common life goals (not necessarily the same ones) but growing together emotionally and physically. It was an odd consideration for me to add the "and physically" in the previous sentence. I guess that I'm admitting that, while I exist for the emotion, I really do enjoy sharing, being, having, loving... the person I am with in a physical way. Eh, call me a hedonist.
As I am going through it myself, I can see how easily couples can get caught up in working towards a goal (say, having children and buying a home) and suddenly find themselves walking on the treadmill-of-society without emotional connection. As of late last year, I started questioning 'why am I trying to mend this?' and 'how do I truly feel about my life?'. It was poignantly highlighted when I went to dinner with my dear friend and his wife. In a lull in the conversation, after we'd caught up on virtually everything else, he gingerly asked "Can I ask you something?"
He and I share a lot of qualities and tend to examine things to a respectable emotional and truthful depth. Even before he had asked his heartfelt question, I knew the look in his eyes and knew what he was going to ask me because if I were in his position I would be asking the same thing. "Why are you still trying?"... at least I think that's what he asked because for a moment, my mind and heart sorta blanked out on me in a collage of feelings/images. So, the short answer is "I don't know." The long answer is a twisted mess of emotional threads... individual actions, regrets, honest feelings, lifelong dreams and expectations.
Whenever I get into too much of a bind, I end up thinking of those childhood Buddhist lessons. You know the ones... "the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path". I like reflecting on them, though I am hesitant to call myself Buddhist (a tale for another day). Anyway, ever since I was asked that question, I've been thinking about the 'why'. I found myself reeling a little for the next few day as I tried to fit the question into any of my past experiences for a clue as to an answer. That didn't work, so I started flipping through knowledge of philispophy, religion, and spiritual understanding. Of course, you know where this led... nowhere. something I used to say popped into my head one night while I was sleeping... "You can't smooth water with your hand." I used to say that to myself when I was younger. I think it was the answer for now. I just need to stop trying so hard to figure things out and follow instincts.
The second thing (making sure they are *your* expectations) is more difficult. I have a friend who seems to be learning how to recognize their authentic self. Among those lessons are separating out the different threads from family and societal influences. I found it fascinating from the standpoint of asking oneself "what do I want?"
And the answer to that is just as ambiguous as my last question. I don't know. However, I do know this. I am going to start making a list of how I want my life to be and take whatever steps I need to do to get there.
After months and months, I finally feel alive again. And that life is not just defined by my sadness or ills. I feel hopeful and have started to have good, peaceful dreams again.
I am alive.
I think expectations are great. However, when you lead with the expectations in front you, I think you need to make sure that 1) they are not blocking your vision of where you are going and 2) they are *your* expectations.
I definitely been suffering from the 1st issue. I want to be married... no, let me correct that without a delete-edit. I want to be with someone who I can share my life openly with. I want to laugh and navigate my way through life and its possibilities together. All the while, working toward common life goals (not necessarily the same ones) but growing together emotionally and physically. It was an odd consideration for me to add the "and physically" in the previous sentence. I guess that I'm admitting that, while I exist for the emotion, I really do enjoy sharing, being, having, loving... the person I am with in a physical way. Eh, call me a hedonist.
As I am going through it myself, I can see how easily couples can get caught up in working towards a goal (say, having children and buying a home) and suddenly find themselves walking on the treadmill-of-society without emotional connection. As of late last year, I started questioning 'why am I trying to mend this?' and 'how do I truly feel about my life?'. It was poignantly highlighted when I went to dinner with my dear friend and his wife. In a lull in the conversation, after we'd caught up on virtually everything else, he gingerly asked "Can I ask you something?"
He and I share a lot of qualities and tend to examine things to a respectable emotional and truthful depth. Even before he had asked his heartfelt question, I knew the look in his eyes and knew what he was going to ask me because if I were in his position I would be asking the same thing. "Why are you still trying?"... at least I think that's what he asked because for a moment, my mind and heart sorta blanked out on me in a collage of feelings/images. So, the short answer is "I don't know." The long answer is a twisted mess of emotional threads... individual actions, regrets, honest feelings, lifelong dreams and expectations.
Whenever I get into too much of a bind, I end up thinking of those childhood Buddhist lessons. You know the ones... "the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path". I like reflecting on them, though I am hesitant to call myself Buddhist (a tale for another day). Anyway, ever since I was asked that question, I've been thinking about the 'why'. I found myself reeling a little for the next few day as I tried to fit the question into any of my past experiences for a clue as to an answer. That didn't work, so I started flipping through knowledge of philispophy, religion, and spiritual understanding. Of course, you know where this led... nowhere. something I used to say popped into my head one night while I was sleeping... "You can't smooth water with your hand." I used to say that to myself when I was younger. I think it was the answer for now. I just need to stop trying so hard to figure things out and follow instincts.
The second thing (making sure they are *your* expectations) is more difficult. I have a friend who seems to be learning how to recognize their authentic self. Among those lessons are separating out the different threads from family and societal influences. I found it fascinating from the standpoint of asking oneself "what do I want?"
And the answer to that is just as ambiguous as my last question. I don't know. However, I do know this. I am going to start making a list of how I want my life to be and take whatever steps I need to do to get there.
After months and months, I finally feel alive again. And that life is not just defined by my sadness or ills. I feel hopeful and have started to have good, peaceful dreams again.
I am alive.
Monday, February 4, 2008
I need more art in my life...
Last weekend I went out with a friend. We had no idea what to do but when you're in San Francisco, it's rather easy to find any number of interesting things. We ended up just talking about random things and hitting different galleries.
I am always in awe of artists and their ability to express thoughts and emotions in different mediums. Whether it's glass or paint or digital, art has a powerful affect on my moods and introspection.
One gallery (Hanson Gallery) was showcasing Mackenzie Thorpe. I had never seen his work before but the original pastels in the gallery were incredible. I typically like images that show a single individual in a situation...maybe I can more easily put myself in that place. Anyway, the two pieces that I really liked were...
Winter
Falling in Love
Of course, you can't really see the detail from these images. They and other images were so expressive that I had to just smile. I could feel the cold air on my face and hear the crunching of the snow as if I were walking in the woods. The air in a snowy forest can sit so still that even a mouse's twitch can be heard and felt. I also really like the moon in the clouds. It was kinda peeking out and watching over the little guy... giving him light and hope in the cold night.
And the "Falling in Love" just made me smile at that weightless bounce of joy you get when you meet someone special. Who hasn't felt that type of joy in secret or hopefully within a relationship. I haven't quite felt that feeling in a while but to see it literally represented made me smile...
In the same gallery, there were some sculpted works by Frederick Hart. He was the artist who did "The Three Soldiers" near the Vietnam Memorial in Washington D.C.
There was a head-torso piece titled "Adam" just inside the front door that captured me. Adam's visage and presence really struck me. I had a great time looking at the other pieces. It amazes me how sculptors can evoke and embed emotions in their works. Sure, they are perfect anatomically but wow... Adam had me staring and thinking about the genesis of so many things in my life. All from just a head and torso...
Today, I got a message from a friend to look at an article about an artist named Juan Francisco Casas. I am not much about reproducing life-like images but this guy can really.... er... use a pen.
He creates large images using blue Bic pens. They really look like photos. His images don't really do anything for me emotionally but it's pretty neat to take such a mundane object like a pen and create something so interesting. That reminds me of some performance art I am working on... I want to make a giant pile of clean laundry with my washing machine....
I am always in awe of artists and their ability to express thoughts and emotions in different mediums. Whether it's glass or paint or digital, art has a powerful affect on my moods and introspection.
One gallery (Hanson Gallery) was showcasing Mackenzie Thorpe. I had never seen his work before but the original pastels in the gallery were incredible. I typically like images that show a single individual in a situation...maybe I can more easily put myself in that place. Anyway, the two pieces that I really liked were...
Winter
Falling in Love
Of course, you can't really see the detail from these images. They and other images were so expressive that I had to just smile. I could feel the cold air on my face and hear the crunching of the snow as if I were walking in the woods. The air in a snowy forest can sit so still that even a mouse's twitch can be heard and felt. I also really like the moon in the clouds. It was kinda peeking out and watching over the little guy... giving him light and hope in the cold night.
And the "Falling in Love" just made me smile at that weightless bounce of joy you get when you meet someone special. Who hasn't felt that type of joy in secret or hopefully within a relationship. I haven't quite felt that feeling in a while but to see it literally represented made me smile...
In the same gallery, there were some sculpted works by Frederick Hart. He was the artist who did "The Three Soldiers" near the Vietnam Memorial in Washington D.C.
There was a head-torso piece titled "Adam" just inside the front door that captured me. Adam's visage and presence really struck me. I had a great time looking at the other pieces. It amazes me how sculptors can evoke and embed emotions in their works. Sure, they are perfect anatomically but wow... Adam had me staring and thinking about the genesis of so many things in my life. All from just a head and torso...
Today, I got a message from a friend to look at an article about an artist named Juan Francisco Casas. I am not much about reproducing life-like images but this guy can really.... er... use a pen.
He creates large images using blue Bic pens. They really look like photos. His images don't really do anything for me emotionally but it's pretty neat to take such a mundane object like a pen and create something so interesting. That reminds me of some performance art I am working on... I want to make a giant pile of clean laundry with my washing machine....
So... now for the deluge....
I've been a bad blogger. I keep having these experiences and thoughts that I want to jot down but am never close to the computer. So, as a remedy, I am going to write my brains out over the next week so I can put down all the random things I want to remember about the last 6 weeks.
It won't be in any coherent order and I may change the people's names to protect their privacy.
It won't be in any coherent order and I may change the people's names to protect their privacy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
