And there's that odd feeling again...

It's the eve of my journey back north. I'll be stopping in the Bay Area for a week to work and visit with friends.

I find myself experiencing many different feelings. I can tell that mom and dad are really concerned and will miss me a lot. It's been an intense feeling while here the home where I grew up. It's the same but different in so many ways.

Tonight, a big storm moved into California and is dumping inches of rain. At the moment, I can hear the rain pouring as much as any of the wettest storms in the Pacific Northwest. My first thought is to just hunker down and wait a couple of days....

But I want to get to the Bay Area and also want to start working my way home. Home.... home. It's interesting that I think of the Duvall house as my home. After the events of the past year, I'd started to call it "the Duvall house" instead of "home". I guess that "home" has a connotation of so many things... emotionally, historically, familial... things that I had been running from in the last couple of years.

One of the best things about coming down was that I have a better sense of both myself and what I want. It's not a perfect image... more like a reflection in a rippled pond. One of the most surprising thing is how I've gotten back in touch with my inner energy. I feel physically and mentally like moving and testing myself against things. Spiritually, I've been doing a lot of sensing and feeling. It's been hard without a good friend to talk to about my spiritual wanderings and questioning. I definitely could have spoken to Cat but it's so hard to do when not in person.

Anyway, I leave for the SF Bay Area in abut 8 hours. Time for sleep... and maybe I'll dream of something nice for a change.

So, exactly how long is this corner?

Do you know how there are sayings like 'rounding that corner' or 'getting over that hill' to convey a sense of positive movement past uncomfortable periods?

I do feel like I am rounding the corner with my personal journey and also with my journey with M. My dark humor reared its head last night after another round of conversations (internal and external). I looked at the calendar and realized it was January of 2008. Wow. I feel like I missed out on the better part of 2007 to various situations.

I've felt more positive about what I want for about a month now, so I've felt lighter and more at peace. Still, I had a lot of thinking to do last night. Walk away, stay and work things out, bury myself in some terrible addiction... so many options. As it turns out, I am going to do the first two options. I am going to stay and work on things with M. I am also going to really start reaching in my life to do the things I've wanted to do... travel, eat better and well, photography, and take up that hobby... knitting.

Anyway, I feel lighter in my heart knowing that I am going to be fine no matter what happens. I also feel a little apprehensive to the possibilities of the new year. I wonder when I'll stop feeling so cautious and tender about certain topics?

I guess I just have to keep walking and talking and laughing until I get around this corner.

1-1+1 = me

It's been a while since I last wrote. I've been very busy and such. The end of 2007 had me working day and night at my job. I think I worked right up to a couple of days before Christmas and then hopped in the car for the drive to Los Angeles.

I packed the following:

• 2 weeks of clothes (for a 4-5 week trip)
• workout stuff (clothes, water bottles, mountain bike)
• tire cables and snow shovel (just in case I run into snow in mountain passes)
• ac/dc inverter (to give me a household outlet in the car)
• basic tools (hammer, wrenches, duct tape, etc.)
• basic survival stuff (aforementioned shovel, matches/lighter/firestarter, 1-week worth of food, 2 gallons H2O, etc.)
  

Things I forgot:

• bike shoes (but I bought a pair at an after-Christmas sale)
• to take some veggies out of the fridge... it'll be compost by the time I return.
• dress shoes

Since I have been here, I've spent time with my mom just doing... well, random things. It's nice to hang out for a bit. I also have spent time with my dad and his family. I was pleasantly surprised to see my sister Michelle. She's growing up and a thoughtful young woman now (14 going on 15 years old). I like her sarcasm and silliness. I also like that she's articulate and opinionated about some things. I look forward to spending more time with her this trip.

For Christmas, I received a new camera. It's a compact 7MP 'prosumer' style camera. The only thing that I've snapped so far is the new ceramic Japanese cooking pot that I bought. I am hoping to experiment with nabemono recipes this winter. I used to have a pot like this but it broke. I really like the colors and flower pattern on the lid (see image above... oh, and the dog is not to scale).

My hope is to take pictures of favorite spots around southern CA and have them in my desktop slideshow. Places and times and experiences of general good feeling. I think I spend very little time reflecting and even re-embracing the good times in my life. It's often easier to remember the bad times and regrets. Time to re-balance my life by choosing to live more in the good times... past, present and future.

Time to add some more positive to me.