A Different Kind of Uncertainty...

I looked this up today in my study of the idea of uncertainty. As it's hard for me to be completely cynical about life, so too is it hard for me to be faithful to hope. I am wondering, wandering, and wanting. This is a thoughtful bit of prose from MLK that I am studying...

"Through violence you may murder a murderer, but you can't murder murder.
Through violence you may murder a liar, but you can't establish truth.
Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can't murder hate.
Darkness cannot put out darkness. Only light can do that...

Difficult and painful as it is, we must walk on in the days ahead with an audacious faith in the future. When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows. Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."

Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 - 1968)

Source: "Where do we go from here?", August 1967

Uncertainty is the Theme...

One of the things I like about the Buddhist study of this experience is the idea of impermanence. I think it's as true a description as you can get about the universe.

I've been hearing a lot of stories of uncertainty in the past few days and it's made me a little sad and a little more hungry for the positive moments.

A friend of a friend's husband had to leave the country due to some immigration status problems. Another friend's husband is having unexplained symptoms and has been hospitalized. I looked at the news today and was trying to read up on the Burmese civil unrest... rioting... and subsequent disconnection of internet access there. It's a crazy world. Is it our fate to roll along in the wheel of time and just bumble back and forth in our days while navigating expectations and resposibilities and fears?

Last month, my little girl Taiga had a tumor removed from her back. She's doing well and was on all four paws pretty fast. I found a small nodule on her face today. We'll go to the vet tomorrow to get it checked out.

Thinking so much about change and uncertainty has made me a little more solid. I'm a little apprehensive but there's nothing to do at the moment except to talk to, laugh with and hug Taiga.

The Raggers Creed

Here's a passage that I was taught as a young man. I was active in the YMCA and learned this as part of their youth program.

I would be true, for there are those who trust me;
I would be pure, for there are those who care;
I would be strong, for there is much to suffer;
I would be brave, for there is much to dare;
I would be friend to all - the foe, the friendless;
I would be giving, and forget the gift;
I would be humble, for I know my weakness;
I would look up, and laugh, and love and lift.

I was thinking about how I have so few friends here. I had acquaintances through my wife but no close friends. I talk to three people here... about once a month. It leaves me with too much time ruminating on my own, so I've taken to talking to friends online more. I miss my friends in the SF Bay Area who I think of as family more than just friends. I think of my family in Los Angeles and how I miss each holiday with them. It's a bittersweet time in my life until I figure out what I want to do.

The passage above has a few guiding thoughts that helped me today.

Strangeness of my Life

I've taken to doing things at odd hours.

Without as many constraints as the normal person... living alone in a quiet community, I realize that I can adjust my schedule here and there to great effect.

Last night I went to the gym at 10pm and decided to do an hour on the elliptical trainer then some weights. I was there for about 2 hours. It was great to work out and get my daily stress burned off. Again, I found myself pondering some deep feelings on the trainer. I would consider getting one at home but I am bonding a little to the gym. I like people watching there. I watched sweaty-man set his machine way too high for his ability. I grimaced at fashion-man who decided to wear what can only be described as a man's leotard over a flabby body and white knee-high socks. I took a gander at what's-the-point-of-going-to-the-gym gal who worked out on the bike trainer at the lowest setting, never breaking a sweat, and read a Vogue magazine back to back.

I realized while I was there that it would only be fair to find my own special name. I found it as I went to stretch in a workout room... ugly-hair guy. Apparently, in my rush to leave the house, I had forgotten that I had taken a nap and there were parts in my hair in back and on the right sides of my head. The front was also parted in the middle. On one-hand I was completely unabashed. I am not trying to impress anyone there. On the other hand, I really should do a mirror check before stepping out the door.

On the way home, I went to the market for a few things. I ended up doing a full-blown purchase as I hit every aisle in the store. I realized that no one was there... no shoppers and only a few keepers. I live in a town with 5,000 people. At midnight on a Wednesday night, there are few to no people on the streets... and even fewer at the market. It was a surreal experience in that I felt very alone in this monument of retail... that was made to accommodate thousands of people a day.

I ended up taking my time and bought a few things that have made it into my diet lately:

• Tonic water. Not for mixed drinks. I just like the bitter flavor. Dad used to have it at home and I somehow acquired the taste of it. I really like it with a bit of lime... dangit, I forgot lime.
• Condensed milk. I like a TB of it in coffee. It's great to have around in an 'emergency' if you need milk and don't keep milk around (like me). Lately, I've put a li'l of it in my instant mashed potatoes. I am not looking at the nutritional content lest my bowl of taters becomes a guilt-ridden experience.
• Instant mashed potatoes. Normally I like plain old russets mashed with skins, butter, milk, and some s & p. I realize that it's much easier just to pour this stuff in and make it by the helping. I also found it's a decent thickener in a pinch.
• Split peas. I really like split pea soup. I make it in a traditional way except I add two things now. Browned skinless chicken thighs and a handful of rice. I like the texture of the rice and peas in the soup. I also like having a little meat in there for the added protein.
• Meat-like substitutes. Lately, I've been eating a lot less meat. I eat vegetarian about 3 days a week, which is a lot for a carnivore like me. I've been eating tofu and boca-like burgers mostly. My most intriguing discovery has been seitan. I found it at PCC Market which is like a more earthy Wholefoods Market. I bought the 'chicken-style' which comes in torn chunks that seem to have a grain. The seitan was wonderful. It had a good unobtrusive savory flavor. Not really nutty like tempeh. More like a light toasted grain flavor. Here is how I like to prepare it:
• Tear a few pieces into a hot skillet with a little oil over medium high heat.
• Sprinkle with salt, pepper, and garlic powder or chopped garlic.
• Toss after 3-4 minutes to brown evenly.
• Sprinkle liberally with chopped green onions and sesame seeds.
• Toss another minute or so to heat the onions and sesame seeds.
• Serve on bread as a sandwich, over rice, over pasta, let cool to serve over a salad.
• Say it now.... yummers.

Who knew that wheat gluten could be synonymous with "mmm-mmm... good".

Autumn is such a nice sounding word...

I really like autumn. And I like the sound of the word. It would make a nice name for a girl, I think.

It's that time of year where the air gets crisp and cool. The moisture huddles together in bigger puffy clouds with nice shapes. I really get excited to see the late summer/early fall fruits and veggies. This is the best time if you are a veggie foodie like me.

Some might be surprised to hear that I gave up cooking last April. I tried to continue it for a while but I just didn't have the heart. Oh, I make simple dishes still but they are not really that exciting to me. I was getting into savory pancakes last March. I was perfecting a Korean Seafood Pancake (Hey-mul Pajun). I was making it with scallions, shrimp and scallops. I had it originally last year with some friends in Seattle and just loved the idea.

I've always liked pancakes for breakfast but not really loved them. I find them too sweet and don't use syrup normally. I like to wrap a breakfast pancake around bacon and eggs to make a breakfast 'taco'. Yummers.

Anyway, I was talking about how I gave up cooking. I really need to get cooking again. It's rather expensive to go out 3x a week and the food is not that great quality-wise. I think the incoming fall fruits and veggies are calling to me. I went to the market and found some delicious eggplant on sale. I bought 9 of them. I am roasting them whole right now in the oven and going to scoup out the innards to make baba ganoush in the Turkish-style. I'll actually freeze most of it in smaller containers and pull them out to make batches as I like. I just defrost then mix in:

• juice of 1 lemon
• extra virgin olive oil
• crushed garlic
  
• salt and pepper

Autumn is the time of the year too when most of my fruit trees ripen. I have neglected the orchard this year. There are weighted and broken limbs on a few trees. Some of the fruit have a cankerous infection. However, despite the neglect, there is still a lot of good fruit on the trees. I've been picking asian pears daily... one for me and another for Taiga (my little girl... dog) as we walk around the yard at midday. They are super juicy and sweet. I really enjoy them.

I think I need to pick the fruit this weekend and cellar them in the 2nd fridge. I'll have fruit winter with this batch. I'm... well... almost feeling excited now that autumn is here. It's a nice change of feeling and I am feeling decent.

Happy Belated Moon Festival...

It seems that I missed the Chinese Moon Festival. It's not like I really knew much about it or that I am even Chinese. However, I like to learn about other cultures and it seems that I missed out on some unique food.

http://chineseculture.about.com/library/weekly/aa093097.htm

I wonder if they'll have moon cakes at the local asian market even though the day has passed. It was celebrated on September 25th.

Shocked into Silence

I have not spoken in two days. I am wondering if my marriage is really over. It's been a struggle and I love her.

I found out two days ago that she was leaving for the week. This is after a month long hiatus and a couple of other trips away this year already. I guess she called me in-transit like an afterthought that she was going out of town.

I finally found the thought that describes my feelings in the marriage. "Beneath notice" is what I am feeling and thinking. It's not that I am being treated so maliciously ill by her. That may be the ironic part. It is more that, except for domestic duty and income flow, I am beneath notice.

So, I find myself going through my day and night in my routines. Quiet and deep in thought. It is hard to know what the future will bring when I am contemplating changing my present so much.

Um, I'll order what he's having.

I've been really thinking about where to go hiking in the Pac NW. It's a little daunting as I think I'll be going on my own even when I can't find friends to join me. I was talking to my friend Mike and we're going to do Labyrinth Mountain next weekend. That discussion to led me to read Bobrat's Blog of his travels. It and the other hikes he has done look really pretty. http://bobrat.weblogger.com/

We all want to be original and unique in our experiences, however I am going to shamelessly see if I can copy some of his travels. Blame his candor and pretty photos.

In My Face

I had an idea as a motivator. I decided to create a "Travel" folder for my favorite pictures. I tied my screensaver to this folder and it will rotate reminders of my travels. Hopefully, I'll be adding to this over time.

I put in my first happy image. It's of a baby elephant standing on a bigger elephant. I saw it in Portland, Oregon while spending the weekend with a friend. For some reason, the whimsy and parental overtones really impressed my heart. If you go to see it, stop by at nearby Powell's Bookstore for a literary treat.

The park where the statue is located is in North Park Blocks.

Here's the story behind the statue:
In October 2002, a 12-foot bronze sculpture titled Da Tung (Universal Peace), a replica of a Chinese antique dating from the late Shang Dynasty (1200-1100 BC), was installed in the park between Burnside and Couch streets. The elephant is embellished with figures from ancient Chinese mythology, and carries a baby elephant, Xiang bao bao (Baby Elephant), symbolizing that offspring shall be safe and prosperous. The statue was a gift to the city from Chinese businessman Huo Baozhu, whose foundry in Xi’an, China, is licensed by the national government to reproduce Chinese antiquities. Huo, who visited Portland a number of times, said he was motivated by a love of Chinese history and admiration for Portland.

Tip that Point... Round that Corner... Get Over that Hill...

I'm a do-er. As of two weeks ago, I was a say-er. I talked about doing things. I wanted to do things. However, I always found it easier and cheaper to just, well, talk about things. I wasn't always this way. In fact, I was never this way until the last 9 years. I think I was caught up in domestic duty. You know, the idea of working to pay to bills and also falling into the rut of watching the zombie box (tv).

Anyway, I've been going through a transformation. I am looking at my life. I am thinking on how I want to be and what I want to do. I've found myself focusing on things that don't make me happy or lead me to become better at anything I care about.

Due to a few important things changing, I feel different. I feel energetic and outwardly wanting to do certain things.

• I want to be a great friend.
  
• I want to be a great husband.
• I want to be more fit and lose weight.
• I want to be a good runner. I've always been a lousy runner. Look at me. I have proportionally short legs, long torso, and a bad back. I'll never be an Olympian but I can certainly put in a few miles a week.
• I want to sing more. I used to always hum and sing softly. I don't have an interest in performing but I would like to sing more... just for me.... just for fun.
• I want to see my friends more. I get lonely in this house.... all alone for the moment. Sure, my dog and cat are great company but they hardly get my jokes or can converse.
• I want to travel more and experience new things. I've lived in the Puget Sound Region for the last 6 years and I've gone to woefully few activities. I'll go on my own or with friends. When I was in Hawaii two weeks ago, I noticed how many interesting activities were listed in the local paper. I was truly disappointed that I couldn't do half of them. Tai Chi, O Bon, skin diving, scuba diving, swimming at a local pool, cultural festivals, etc. Then I thought, there must be something in my area!

So, I am not sure if I would call this a complete transformation. However, I do see... sense... feel more energy within me. I feel alive. I feel there are possibilities. Some come with a harder path than others but possibilities nonetheless. As some say, where there is life there is hope...

Big Foggy Head

I find myself thinking of and wanting to add to this blog through my day. However, I am also most likely to think of things as I am running, biking and otherwise away from the computer. Unfortunately I thought of at least 4 or 5 things that I wanted to say but I've forgotten them. I swear I used to not be this forgetful.

I lied.

Ah, in a recent post, I stated that I did not ever recite verses from religions. It struck me today that I actually do know that little diddy from when I was kid and would sit down to a meal.

"God is great. God is good. Let us thank him for our food. Amen."

The funny part is that I say it out of habit and mash the words together so that it becomes a mumbling chant. When I was growing up, mom said it in the morning for breakfast (probably because I was never fully awake at that moment) and I said it when we sat down for dinner. I guess at lunch I was a bit of a disrespectful git.

So, I lied. I do know a little holy something-or-other. Not quite as righteous as some the more popular stuff but I am sure it counts.... if someone out there is really counting.

Humming to Myself

Breathe (2 Am)
Anna Nalick

2am and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him winter just wasn't my season.
Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, ooh breathe just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, ooh breath just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2am and I'm still awake writing a song
If i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand...and breath
Just breathe, ohho breath, just breath,(fading) ohho breathe just breathe.

spirituality? spirituality.

I was challenged with an idea and a feeling in a recent conversation. The idea of spirituality. I have, for the most part, avoided this aspect in my life though I like to think of myself as an open-minded person. I realized as I was talking to a friend that there are some powerful and profound ideas that I have not attended to in many years.

I guess that I joined the rat race early on and have been running on the mighty 401k path for a long time. I never was a church-goer. I was never one to remember or recite formal verses from any holy text. I have indeed though felt a humility and certitude that things in life have meaning other than monetary or other selfish units of measurement.

You may note that I resist invoking the word "God" as I write. I think I would rather consider the term "Universe" if I had to put a label to it/her/him/them. For the longest time, I've felt surrounded by people who 'knew' what existed in the spiritual sense. It's intrigued me. It's confused me. It's made me question my own misgivings about what life is all about. In some ways, I vilify believers because I sometimes see them depending on external hope when they have the ability to act in their own behalf. When belief becomes a crutch or a mask, I become uncomfortable. However, if it is a lens through which to see people, acts, and possibilities in an affirmative light then I applaud it.

The one thing that I do agree with regard to the atheistic outlook is summed up in a book "Letter to a Christian Nation". The author goes over a lot of arguments as to why faith and belief is dangerous, hypocritical, and sometimes stupid. It's provocative if you don't agree with his thinking. Anyway, if I recall correctly, there is a section of the book where he makes the case that staunch belief in one thing can blind you to the reality of a different view regardless of interpretation, scientific, and empirical data.

And so, I find myself questioning everything.... and wondering if this perennial skepticism is... blocking me from feeling and being happier. Something to meditate on.

Before I forget...

I named this blog "Finding That One Thing" after that line from the movie City Slickers where Curly (the old cowboy with a face like a "saddle bag with eyes") is explaining the meaning of life. If you haven't seen it, he quietly and cryptically explains the secret to life.
Curly: You know what the secret of life is?
Mitch: No, what?
Curly: This.
Mitch: Your finger?
Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean shit.
Mitch: That's great, but what's the one thing?
Curly: That's what you've got to figure out.

Deep stuff from a guy in chaps.

To Fit My Life into an Elipse

Yesterday was a good day. I had a nice conversation with a long lost friend. That's been my quest this summer... to find those people in my life that I've let go for no good reason. Some people are acquaintances and others are loved ones drifted apart. I look at my circle of friends and find it lacking locally. I am a bit shy lately and need to find some fun people in the area. Hmmmm.

So, yesterday, I went to the gym in the first time in a over a month. Yes, it was painful but I was mindful to take it easy. I actually can't stand the gym. I mean, it's so artificial. The machines, the clanking and stale air do nothing to make me mentally feel better. However, I can get a great workout in about 90 minutes.

The one thing that amuses me when I am there is how time seems to distort on the eliptical trainer. Yes, yes, time slows as you go faster... the theory of relativity and all that jazz. I am talking about how the last 10 minutes on the trainer was at least twice as long as the first 20 minutes. I don't mean this was torturous or unwanted. I am actually amazed at how many things I got to ponder in that final 10 minutes. Now, I just need to fit more of my life into that eliptical trainer.... I am sure I could find solutions to all sorts of things.

Of course, it could have just been oxygen deprivation.

Invocation

Through some truly random web surfing, I found a new site to enjoy. It's Etsy.... all things handmade or some such tagline. In any case, I found a long lost friend there then jumped around from artist to artist. Like most sites... some good content, some... well, not-quite-my-taste content. I ended up buying a print that reminded me of many things... all good. The girl in the picture reminds me of a few different people in my life. It invoked such an innocent and good feeling from me that I had to have it. Quite a bargain really. It's not too often that you can buy a deep sense of joy for $30.

I really enjoy the illustrations and designs by the artist, Dan-ah Kim.

I've been traveling for the past month. I went to the SF Bay Area to work and visit friends. I then went to the Big Island of Hawaii to visit family and for a family wedding. While I am missing the island life, it is good to be home.

Man in the Mirror

For a long time now, I've been unhappy. I think the core of it started in over 10 years ago. I was in a great place mentally and physically. Perhaps it was the vigor of youth and the hope of a younger man (I'm not *that* old really...).

I think I took a couple of really wrong turns, made some poor decisions, and rushed when I should have lingered. Who hasn't as a young adult? I was chasing money and happiness and mad with the possibilities. A million of them dancing in front of me and me... with a mountain of perceived wisdom, when in fact it was a modest amount and maybe not enough to have sufficed.

I am asking myself why I started writing this right now. Well, there are three really strong reasons:

1. I realize that I have been very sad and down about things. I need to find my joy. At the moment, I live in a house of unjoy. It's a life out of uncertainty even in myself and I need to write and sing and dance my way out of this time.
   
2. I find myself with profound thoughts and they spill out of my heart and head at times unbidden. A day later, they are gone and I am reduced to remembering only that I had some important thought that I can't quite remember. I'd like to preserve some of this wisdom, for those times I become unwise.
   
3. I had... a... vision about a week ago. I am not going to explain it here but it involves me and a choice I made years ago. The results of that choice still haunts me. I need to correct the wrongs of my past self to move forward.

Okay, that last item was a little secretive but what good tale doesn't have a little suspense?

Ahem.... uh.... hmmmm.... uh....

I've been wanting to start a blog for years. I guess it will be a decent way for me to rant and vent about those worldly issues that seem to make the daily news but I really want to reflect on the areas of my life that seem to get little attention. We'll see.

You could say that I'll be exercising my much atrophied emotional muscle of happiness and joy. The best way to make it stronger, I think, is to use it everyday and feed it good moments and thoughts.

Cathartic? Therapeutic? Deep? Let's not get crazy. I'm a guy with an itch and I'm gonna be scratching it right... here... ahhhh... relief already.